Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute. Listen to ...

Recently I was invited to run a marathon I declined The organizer said "c'mon it is for blind and handicapped kids" I thought "fuck I could win this thing!"

One of my students told me this joke the other night. Its stupid, but it cracked me up........... This is best as a verbal joke than a textual. Why do black people tend to grow taller than most other races? . . . . . . . . . Its because their knee-grows. (Negros) I know, its lame. But it cracked me up.

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Arlene : What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. ...

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. No thanks, I'm married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry. 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 6. Oh, I couldn't! No ...

Car Accident One day, while Maynard was out driving his car, he ran into a truck. The truck's driver made him pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. The truck driver took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told Maynard to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, the truck driver went over to ...

Strudel An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of ...

Jigsaw Puzzle Cletus called his friend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started." His friend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" Cletus responded, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." His friend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. ...

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.' The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. ...

A fireman was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in middle. The girl was wearing a fireman's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fireman walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice ...

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor. 'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and ...

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. 'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Goldstein, 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.' Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my ...

Diary of an AOL User. July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong. July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer ...

An 18-year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half ...

These are for Amy...she knows why. :hug: A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night and told him "there is a burglar downstairs in the kitchen and he is eating the cake that my mother made for us." The husband said, "who shall I call, the police or an ambulance?" ------------------------------------------------------ Bill: I was sorry to hear that your mother-in-law died. What was the complaint? George: We haven't had any ...

Four Men in a Car Four men rode in a car: a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer. The car stalled out. The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the pistons; let's repair them and be on our way." The electrical engineer said, "It has to be the spark plugs; we'll replace them and be ready to roll in no time at ...

Donald and and Leona's Company Policy Dress Code - It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, ...

Spel Chek I halve a spelling checker, It came with my pea see. It plainly marks four my revue Mistakes I dew knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait aweigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the era rite Its rarely ever wrong. I've scent this ...

A woman went to the doctor's office for a physical. The doctor took a blood sample and told her to return in one week for the results. One week later, she and her husband returned to the doctor's office. The doctor took the husband aside and told him, "Sir, I'm afraid I have some bad news. We accidentally mixed your wife's blood sample with another patient's, and we have no idea whose is whose. The ...

Revenge by Gunshot A distraught young woman suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. In a fit of anger she drives to a local pawn shop and buys a gun. She shows up at his apartment unexpectedly, slams opens the door, and sure enough he?s naked in the arms of a beautiful redhead. This angers her. Furious, she can no longer control her emotions. She opens her purse ...