1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay.
It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent
the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog,
but gay — it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, it has a
delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And
just think about how you call a dog… "Killer, come here! I said get your ass
over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat.."Bun-bun, come to
daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you’re fit to be framed, you’re so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or such nonsense,
rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks bar-b-que ribs,
crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits.
Anything else and you are in training and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
parking lot, you crave a deep homo relationship. A man’s world is his bathroom;
he defecates and urinates wherever he pleases.

5 . If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight man will
never be heard ordering a "Decaf Soy Latte". If you’ve put a Decaf Soy
Latte to your lips, you’ve had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or four
different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well
be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn’t have memory space in
his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you
know what a "fressier" is you’re gay. And if you can name ANY type of
textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you’re dying
to ass tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to
honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he
needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list
because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on
the verge on being a fudgepacker.